Go Fuck Yourself

Kevin,

This is the last letter or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, that I'll write to you. I don't think you even fucking remember or care about this place. Regardless, it's here in case genius ever strikes & you wonder what the fuck happened to me or simply remember this place.

I don't know what game you think you're playing, but it's clearly a one player game because I'm not playing it. Overall, I think I have been faaaairly understanding & even sympathetic! to the fact you woke up & suddenly realized long distance wasn't doable for you. Forget the fact you've been in them before & one miiiight think that would have given you a taste of what it's like & whether or not it was for you, but! I digress. This isn't about the fact you led me on basically & broke my heart in the process but then again I guess I fucking "love differently." my bad. & ya know what? I'm not gonna apologize for it :) Nor am I going to feel bad if you ever do read this letter & end up feeling guilty or whatever. Anyways, I once again digress in the point of this letter. This isn't about that, this about what you apparently call "friendship." (I see now why your ex Kat decided not to keep in contact with you because what's the point? You clearly don't seem to care to keep in contact anyways)

I fucking forgave you for your childish (what I perceived to be impulsive) fucked up behavior of taking what you wanted & spewing sweet bullshit at me before ripping it away; & was willing to be friends with you because hey, we can be semi-mature about this right? I guess I was once again wrong. I'm not sure if California shit says friends ignore, go days without a hello or how are you or what exactly the ground rules learned in Cali are regarding friends but we? Aren't friends. To me, friendship is an active it takes two, different RELATIONSHIP, but a relationship nonetheless between two or more people. Who shocker, actively try to remain in contact with one another. They don't go days without so much as a hello, they don't take hours to respond when they are talking to the person & they don't make their friend feel like they're somehow less important than someone else.

What could I possibly mean by this?! So glad you asked :) I'll explain. So, your excuses (which is exactly what they are) to the fact we suddenly barely talk anymore is that you "do this to everyone" & it's basically not personal. Well sir, it sure as fuck feels god damn personal to me considering I am your fucking ex & the fact your ass seems to be able to go on Facebook with no issues & talk to everyone there. :) I know this because I accidentally clicked on your profile when I meant to click my brothers. You're both wearing red in your profile pictures & I was half asleep. So, needless to say I was there anyways & so I scrolled. It's wonderful to see the Mr. "no life" Mr. "I do this to everyone, I am not ignoring" was not only able to be on Facebook & post a status, but also like comments from random girl friends asking for you to message aka TALK to them & that you've clearly been texting another girl (Alyssa) & I am damn sure have been in contact with Kayla, you're old female BFF. All with then the past few days.


Yet..LOL you couldn't be FUCKED to respond to a kik message I sent you TWO fucking days ago?! Where hey, maybe a congrats or that's cool would have been in order considering I was sharing some interesting news with you (the ending was a bit sarcastic but you know me) I'm sorry, I am your ex, I am not as pretty or skinny or wonderful or I live a long distance from you or I have mental disorders & my own host of shit or that I am older than you or whatever the god damn FUCK it is, that makes these girl friends these other people obviously more important & worth communicating with than me. But guess what? I'm done. You can go right the fuck ahead & flirt, or make them all feel special like you did with me, get them to fall in love, or just fuck around WHATEVER it is you do with these girls isn't my business & I don't care, but I want no part in your life.

I guess I not only love differently, but when it comes to friends I am DIFFERENT there too. :) I am NOT a "Oh I'll text or kik her when I am bored" person. I am not a second choice, I am NOT an option & I fucking refuse to be treated as such, god I deserved so much more from you. No one is ever too busy (especially you Mr. I have no life) that they can't get back to a friend in a timely fashion. It's about priorities. It's about whether or not that person wishes to make a effort. I had better, more stimulating conversation with you when I was choking on your dick. I called you a true friend when I was dating you because at least then you made the effort & time to communicate; it's too bad I was too blind to see that it was all a lie. What I do with my life, including suicide is no long your concern & you've made that clear. You are a selfish child. I don't know if it's just too hard for you to talk with me considering what you did to me & the fact I loved you or what you're deal is, but uh hey, you had no problems sacking the fuck up & telling me we were over--so it shouldn't have been an issue for you to tell me you just can't be friends with me. I would have had so much more respect for you. But this? Is all about Kevin & what makes Kevin sleep better at night & what false promises Kevin can continue to give or say so that he doesn't feel guilty. I am over it. A hundred. I refuse to partake anymore in the fuckng Kevin Show & placating your guilty conscious because you chose to jump into a relationship & not give a shit about the consequences.

I really do hope some day, some girl does what you did to me. Only then will you ever truly be able to appreciate the loss, pain & feelings of betrayal that you gave to me. Normally, I wouldn't wish what you did & this "friendship" we had on anyone, but for you? I would make an exception because it's a learning process :) a valuable life lesson it seems you need to be taught. You can't do the shit you do Kevin & expect people to be okay in the end. You can't break them & try to glue them back by giving them more false promises of friendship or whatever.


I deserved better & I finally love myself enough to realize this & to not play this game & get my feelings hurt anymore.


Have a sellar life & remember: Karma will come for you, it's just a matter of time.

Don't bother talking to me again.

I'll have nothing nice to say to you.

-Lily

Different

As I recuperate from a night that I don't quite remember, I nurse my bruises & cuts, as I pore over what I said in kik from last night to you & see all the things you said.


"You love differently." Not word for word but that was the jist of it. That time didn't seem real when I cammed with you, when I was with you. That I was perfectly content spending hours just hearing your voice, seeing your fucking face & watching it light up like when you got your tablet. The little things, the way your eyes had a deep light to them when I would tell you how wonderful you were etc.

That was more than enough for me & not enough for you. 

I love differently than most people. I'm not grey. I am black or I am white, I love passionately or not all. I go hard or I go the fuck home, I understand what I am is a dying breed or perhaps a new, rare breed so special there is only one of us. Me.

You don't think I didn't wonder what it would be like to be in your arms? That I didn't spend a few hours a day looking at plane tickets & thinking "Do I dare go back Cali? For him I would swim an ocean." I feel sad in a way that like a child, you want everything now no waiting. Instant, lustful, gimme now gratification & it blinds you as does it a child looking at a shiny new bike next to his old rusty one; the option of the new bike now or waiting a year or six months for the top of the line bike to hit the stores. Give him the option & like a true child it is imperative that the new bike in the window be his, the smooth, shiny handle bars under the palms of his hands. No waiting, his brain will not wander down six months or a year; he lives for the now. It is only when the top of the line bike hits the stores & all his friends are riding it, does the child start to slowly realize his mistake. His impulsive I need it now behavior has earned him the new bike at first, but the reality is now he is the one out in the cold.

I love differently, I love like I was never hit, never put down, never told this world didn't want me. Like I don't have severe abandonment issues or I've never been broken. Never lied to or abused. I love like I have no idea what it's like to curl up on the floor of my bedroom in the fetal position crying so hard no sound comes out, it's just gulping in air; like I am drowning. I love as innocently almost as a small child & the near naivety of one. Everyone has always been so quick when I am hesitant to point out "they are not like my ex" in an almost petulant 'how dare you think I am' manner when the truth is I know this. Fool. Why do you think I love you as if I have never known the pain of my heart shredded inside my chest? I don't allow my past abuse to always cloud my now; I was stronger than him & he has no power here.

I love differently, said to me it seems in awe & a hint of "I don't know how to handle that" & was that a speck of "it's too much" in there? Too much to deal with, too much to handle. I love unconditionally & without faults always too quick to forgive.  Perhaps it is the world who is not ready for someone like me.

It was not fair to say you were my home & my home is now gone simply because it made you feel bad, but it never took away the truth. I had built a home within your arms & laid a foundation of love once again & it crumbled around me. Whether you like it or not it's what happened.

Drink. Drink. Drink again. Everything is so loud inside me now. Asking why my love is never seemingly good enough. If I had a wish, I would wish it would be that you could have truly seen what you had & not been selfish & needing instant gratification. I forgive you because I know you're young & I know maybe someday you will look back, when you're with your new girlfriend who will do things or say things & you'll realize..I never would have done or said that you. One day, you'll wake up & be old enough to see all you took for granted & what you lost. It breaks my heart to know that but everyone's got their thing.

This world is no place for me, it never was.

I love you.

Don't forget me

"& I said hey, what is your name? I am the same, this is no game. Let's run away to the place where we will stay til the end of our days."


This is my story. So the world will know.


I was born on May 27th to a woman who had two kids before. My older brother & sister both from different men. My father was a different man too. She was a coke head, a smack head, a thief & a liar. World class manipulator & beautiful before the drugs & drinking ravaged her body & looks. She was in & out of prisons. She was not a mother, she did not hold me when I was born. I was adopted after a round of foster care.
She had two more kids after me. My half brothers & sister. I am one of five. My mother couldn't take care of me, didn't want to, she had just gotten out of prison when she was knocked up with me & had me. She was raised Catholic so abortion was always out of the question. god I wish she had killed me. I was born with Valium in my system as well as a host of other drugs & was thought to have fetal alcohol effects.I grew up different in an adopted family, I never belonged. Kids as young as nine would tell me "no one wanted me." Before that at the age of seven a young boy name Andrew & his best friend Scott thought it was hilarious to cover their faces & mock scream in terror whenever they saw me, getting the rest of the kids in our after school daycare to follow suit. I was seven fucking years old & thought I was a monster. Self-esteem ripped from me before I even knew what it was. I look at pictures from my past & I see a bright, curly haired little blonde girl with wide blue eyes that look so sad even though I am smiling. Due to the abuse I suffered in the womb (it is, as doctors have often told me "A miracle I came out with all my limbs in tact & limited birth defects physically") I grew up slightly 'slower' than most kids even though my reading & writing was off the charts & grades higher. I was seven reading at an eight grade level. In first grade I once read a book to my class & the teacher or someone reportedly had told my adopted mother "She must have memorized that book from you reading it to her." to which my adopted mother replied "We just bought it for her yesterday." In other words I would have had no time to memorize anything because the book was so new & my parents hadn't had a chance to read it to me yet. I remember being as young as six maybe? & my old man would read to me a bedtime story & it was no kid shit either. My first love of JRR Tolkien began with my old man who read me The Hobbit who then proceeded to read me The Lord of The Rings Trilogy after. By the time I was ten I was reading other works of JRR. It wasn't always so bad between my old man & me.

But as I grew up my old man had his own mental issues & I guess he just didn't know how to cope with a young daughter--I often wonder if I had been a son if it would have been different ya know? He use to get physically violent with me, grab me by my hair drag me around, throw me against walls. It stopped around eleven because I told him I'd kill him. My adopted parents had all kinds of problems within their marriage, I would st on the stairs late at night as young as eight & listen to them argue in hushed whispers. Listen to my mom call him a "shithead" it was my first cuss word. "I don't know where you learned that!" From you mommy. By the time I was around twelve I was reading "mature" books, my adopted mom wouldn't let me read The Three Wives Club because a chapter so eloquently said "Fuck You Marty!" but I read Psycho at a young age & if you've never read the book, it's disgustingly graphic how he kills these women. Middle school was the hardest you know? Even now writing it about it all these years later I tear up because I think of the savage injustice done to me, to a HUMAN. Let down by not just the kids but the teachers, the principal, the entire school system. I was horrendously bullied, I can't put into words what happened to me as a child for three years. It was so fucking bad, this school that prided itself on "blue ribbon esteem" in helping kids, promoting a safe learning establishment was one of the cruelest places I had ever suffered through. It changes you. It fucking changes you. I realize now that I never truly had a chance to be anything more than pain. Pain is what I was born from, what I lived through, what I survived for so long. One cut after another, one scar upon another, thick & broken jagged lines.    

By the time I was fourteen & a half, 9/11 had happened & everyone was in turmoil. Three years of constant abuse at the hands of my peers, sexually inept with boys but longing for love, snorting lines in the bathroom just to feel okay in my own fucking skin & I stole a car. I stole a fucking car, boosted it from a parking lot at the mall. I could have killed myself. I didn't know how to drive, I was a child. Between that & the abuse at school, I met a boy online named Tyler who was nineteen. I don't talk much about him, for a long time--especially in the 90s early 2000s--online sexual predators weren't talked about. We didn't have laws like they do now. Most teens think the net has been around forever, it's a fairly new actually past twenty or so years. I was thirteen just turned fourteen & we met offline, I was a child & he was an adult, I didn't know what we did was wrong until much later. I had thought this cool older boy liked me & wanted to be with me, but he really just wanted sexual things, he was a bad person. My parents let it happen under their roof. Who lets their young teen daughter bring a strange young adult male they met offline into their bedroom & close the door? I had a Snow White bed spread. Magazine pictures of boy bands on my walls--I was a child. Now that I am older I see more of a correlation between my abuse & my lock up. Having suffered abandonment from my own biological mother at birth, neglect in the foster homes I was in led me to develope RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) This happens when a newborn or toddler is not given the care & attention they need to mature. It is essential that a newborn through toddler is not neglected not just for the safety of the child but so that emotionally their needs are met. We are incredibly social creatures & thus, socialization & nurture/care is not a want it is a basic NEED. I was denied that & to this day my adopted mother will randomly complain that as a child I shyed away from hugs & kisses when she tried. I couldn't stand being touched. When I was three months old in my first foster home, I was told again by my adopted mother that the foster mother thought I was "retarded." I was lazy, lying there in my crib, weak necked couldn't do much other than cry. She believed me to be a lost cause. Much much later it turns out I was detoxing from the drugs & drink my biological mother had done while pregnant with me. My adopted mother told me when they got me at ten months old, she put a mirror in my crib & I would babble away at the mirror image thinking it was another baby in a language only a baby would know or understand. However, any time she entered my room or I became somehow aware of another presence, I stopped talking & was very still & quiet. I was not "retarded" as the foster mother thought, simply afraid. Even at such a tender age I was somehow keenly aware that people hurt people. I was fucking afraid at ten months old.

Subsequently I did end locked up around fourteen & a half as stated earlier. While the world mourned 9/11 I was shipped off to an institute that promised to "help me." I was already showing signs of drug use, running away & a love of knives. I was still trying to find love in all the wrong places. My own adopted father & I were no longer close, my adopted mother was never home & I was left to my own devices. I sought comfort in my room alone, with a bottle. I cried every day. I had nearly a hundred pictures I had amassed from sixth grade, of the kids in my class drawing stick figures of me dying or words that said "DIE BITCH DIE" & I would take them home you know? Pin them up & look at the wall & wonder why everyone hated me so much. Bullying wasn't talked about like it is now, it was "kids being kids." You did what you could to survive, if that meant throwing up in the school bathrooms before first period every day that's what you did. god I was so angry. I ended up in an abusive place from fourteen & a half to eighteen. Isolation rooms where they "broke" you. Took everything from you, I was told many times I would not make it past eighteen, that I was a "nothing" a "loser."  I wouldn't let them break me though & for that the staff targeted me more, I lived in silent fear I would be sent out of state to a worse lock up, kids would disappear in the dead of night in cuffs. Never got to say goodbye, never got to see them again. It was so bad that California is a place I could never see myself going back to, I ran away from there for so long, kept on running.

When I got out I dealt drugs. It was how I survived. The name I was called was Ghost. I was eighteen years old had no real education, no real job prospects & I was on the outs with my parents because of what I felt they had done to me, which was keep me in middle school for three years, then lock up. When they knew what was happening to me. Do you know what it's like to be in isolation rooms? No windows one door locked, no light. No idea if it's morning or night. Eat your breakfast lunch & dinner down there, you're allowed out three times to go to the bathroom. It fucks you up, I couldn't stand people after that, being around them. I became use to alone. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I met my ex boyfriend when I was twenty. This part man. He beat me a lot. I lost track after the 25th beating maybe? I stopped counting because I was numb. I stopped caring. It was an awful drug induced relationship a lot. I thought I loved him but like most males he disappointed me. In the end he told me he never loved me. I don't write much about him. I don't like to acknowledge what happened to me but oh god i wear the scars on the outside & inside of what he did to me. I have been punched, kicked, choke slammed, a gun shoved in my mouth & nearly killed by choking from him.


All I am is pain.

I survived. You know isn't it crazy? I NEVER had a chance to be more, I was constantly put down made to hate my own body, told by teachers etc I was "retarded" "i couldn't have this job because I was stupid." poisoned myself with drugs with drinking, found love in every wrong place & now?

I have a 4.0 GPA in college, I had made plans to go to John Jay College of Criminal Justice or do online courses there. I have fucking picked myself up from the floor more than once, I have cried so hard I puked, I have curled up on the floor in the fetal position & wished for fucking death, too passionless to kill myself cuz let's be honest--killing yourself takes some fucking passion. I have been lost, beaten, put down, I have trust boys who never deserved it. I have lost myself in drugs, I have survived a place that looks like Mary fuckin' Poppins but was worse than juvi. I have survived meeting my biological father & him lying to my face that he didn't know I was alive because he gave my mother money to abort me. He knew I was alive. I have screamed so hard I couldn't talk for a week, I have been brutalized..this world has given me nothing but pain.

But I still give back. I still love as pure as if I was never hurt, I still smile as if nothing hurts because today is a beautiful day, I don't let words get me down at least not in a way anyone knows. I smile on cam, I laugh & I love hard or go the fuck home. I help those in need & I stay true to myself.

I never had a fucking chance man. I still give back to a world that never wanted me.

This is my story

I hope you remember me. because I am tired. I am sick & I am tired. I have a hard time in telling people how bad it gets for me. I try to be positive, I was born in an era where you didn't talk about this shit. It hurts to breathe.

god this is my story, please don't let it be unknown.

I was a real person, I was a real human being & I had real feelings & real heart.  I didn't deserve this. Yet I still tried to make the best & it never works out.

I'm tired.

You know where I come from, where I could go, but only I know where I am headed.

Please don't forget me.

The Break Up

Dear Kevin,


Here is where it ends, where I tell you everything I could never tell you on kik or the phone or on cam because I can't bear to think of your pain or see it because I too, am a coward. Here is where I tell you the things of how I feel really feel. I don't think you'll even ever read this to be honest. That's okay. It's still here.

How could you look at the letters I wrote you, the laughs we shared, the smiles & the love on cam, how could you not feel my love for you? I am angry at you solely because this is something you knew. You knew long distance dating wasn't for you--come now, no need for falsehoods or lies or "I didn't knows" You knew. You fucking knew. It's why your other online shit didn't work out & see, I was led to believe it was other things like she was too young, she was crazy or this or that. You wanted what you wanted & for some reason at that moment you wanted me. You're right, I don't think now you know anything about love. You didn't rush into this, you carefully entered it because many times I told you you would leave me & many times you soothed me by saying if anything, I'd leave you. I find it incredibly hard to believe that on some level deep down you didn't know you were being a selfish dick & wanting something right then as a child would  You knew Kevvy you knew. You took advantage of a very broken person to satisfy what you wanted in the heat of a moment because you knew. How can you do this? How can you do this to me? What did I ever do to you? I have cried so hard I have a headache & later I will be so drunk I hope I die.

I'm so sorry if this harsh I am so sorry if this hurts you, but you knew Kevin. These past few weeks I tried so hard to make it work & it was always I love you baby & I can't express the feeling of waking up thinking you had giving me a long, loving text & reading what I did instead. This wasn't a game to me, I was willing to do everything to make this work, including giving you a tablet so you could cam easier & better with me. I was willing to wait for you to be eighteen, do you understand how long I would have waited for you? I was willing to get a plane ticket to go see you.

I dare you, dare you to find a girl who will put forth the effort I did. I think it is more about sex, you can't physically fuck me therefore suddenly distance is an issue. Good luck finding a girl into anal though aha. We're a rare species or so I am told. You'll never be happy Kevin, because what you're looking for, whatever that is, it doesn't exist. Don't get me wrong, I hope you someday are happy but you're running away & thinking too much into certain things & to be honest Kevin..The guy I was with online before you was your age when I met him & we nearly lasted two years ONLINE. We made it work because if you love someone, if you want it bad enough, you do whatever it takes, offline relationships are no easier. You got cheated on offline ffs. YOU are so amazing, you looked down on yourself ALL the time & not once did I let you, not once did I let a day or night go by without letting you know how amazing you are. I went out of my way distance be damned to ensure you felt loved, needed & wanted. I gave you everything & you took it all. I hope it was worth it. You're so selfish so I need it NOW that you're missing out, you're LOSING someone who would have done anything to see you smile, hear you laugh because they believed you to be fucking worth it.

Wake the fuck up Kevin Brennan. Wake up. If not for me, then for yourself. I have cried so hard I puked, I have asked myself what did I do wrong, I have sat here typing this to you the tears on my keyboard & you couldn't even call me. For that I just idk. I deserved to have you hear my pain. You say you're a man but a man would have done that & allowed the pain to wash over him. You run away & you hide. This is a storm you can't hide from Kevin. When love breaks it breaks hard & you'll feel it in your fucking soul for the rest of your life. I trusted you. You are my best friend & you promised you weren't like the other guys in my life.

But you turned out to be just like them, with false promises & lies tied with ribbons & I was stupid enough to fall for it.

I'm not gonna fall anymore. I hit rock fucking bottom. This isn't on you Kevin, you're young & have a lot to learn & there's so much else at play.


Please just remember.

They say you die twice. Once physically & again when someone says your name for the last time.

Always say my name, you know my story.

I love you.



Love, Lily.

I Hope You Are Okay

Dear baby,

I love you so much. This weekend has been filled with so much up & down for me. Ups because you're having a great time with your cousin Andrew at his mom's house & I know you guys are best friends & it's just wonderful to see you be happy & get to spend time with him. Down because it's been a long weekend without the ability to see or talk verbally with you, up because we have kiked every chance you have had & down because..I can't seem to shake the feeling that something is up emotionally for you for the past two days. 

I know, I know, it's most likely me & my insecurities or me overreacting & I know I have raised these questions to you at least several times (Is anything wrong, are you okay etc)  & the answer has usually been that you're okay & I don't wish to make you feel as if I don't trust you or anything, but I'll be honest...your typing kind of tells me different. Or at least I feel that way. I am use to you typing like omg baby!!! hiiii!!! I missed you!!!" Like you know..happy, excited etc. I am use to the word baby being used a lot. What am not use to are these short, one word replies...like "oh" "okay" "no" etc. I know you said the day before yesterday that you weren't feeling good & then yesterday you seemed more yourself but today it's like..you're back to being kind of gloomy. I know you don't mean to come off that way as you say but..I'm trying to communicate with you baby & say that while you don't mean too..you do. You're giving me all these signals that something is off. Or that you're no longer really happy or excited to talk to me again. 

If nothing is wrong truly & I do trust you in that, it makes me then ask: why..are you suddenly changing how you type to me then? Why has it gone from !!! & babys! & just this overabundant & heart warming excitement that makes my face light up every time I saw I had a kik or text from you <3 to..well..the short answers, the one words, the no excitement..?  

I just worry when this happens, I want you happy.  I know that you can't always be happy, just like I can't always be happy & that's okay. It's totally okay to have bad days, shitty days, super shitty days, crying days & days when you want to be alone. But at least I can try to make you feel better baby. You're my everything & I just want the chance to know if something is going on so I can try to help you feel better. I would do anything for you weasel. I just don't like feeling like..something's going on or you're not happy & I don't like feeling like..if there's nothing wrong..why you are different suddenly towards me at times. Just understand I love you & whatever is going on (when it does or is) I am fucking here for you baby. I'm never going to turn my back on you, I am never going to make you feel ashamed or anything. I am only going to try to help you the best I can. I love you so much & I am so excited to be able to cam with you tomorrow after school!

We have all these things to look forward too baby, camming, movies, sex, music, love, talking...just so much. When I feel shitty, I think of you & all the good times we have had & the times we have yet to have. I feel insanely connected to you despite the distance, I hope you feel the same baby <3 

I just wanted you to know all this, not to make you feel bad or anything, just aware more that it does affect me when I can't figure out what's going on or I feel like something is even if it isn't. It's important to communicate baby weasel, it's important to be open & it's important to not change how we talk to each other suddenly because when it's simply text..I cannot tell if you're sad mad hurt or anything especially when you won't tell me if you are. I love you so much & I hope your Memorial Day weekend was fun & you & Andrew had a fucking blast because YOU deserve that darling! I hope you're ready for an EPIC weekend (or whatever we can do!) with ME & you're ready to celebrate my birthday in style, starting TOMORROW aka Tuesday!!!!!

I love you weasel,

Remember--you are my SUPERMAN

There is nothing you can't overcome or do. You are light, you are love, you are everything.

Love, Sweet Beak

I Miss You

Dear baby<3


I miss you. I don't know what happened last night..you said we were going to cam, I saw you active o Skype for a bit..but no call came. No text came. Then you went on away on Skype which happens when you're not active..

I didn't think much of it...I assumed maybe you had fallen asleep or gotten into another argument with your brother & just lost track of time baby. However, when today came & I got no text from you at all..which is so rare (in fact the only times I haven't had texts from you during the week at school, was when you got your phone taken) I started feeling some type of way..like worried mainly. Hoping everything is okay..I know you got that F in tech essentials so I didn't know if somehow you lost your phone over that, like your dad was home & took it or if he got mad because of the overdue game thing you & Brandon fought about or like what the fuck has happened. All I know is you were there & then you were gone & I am in the dark about it. It worries me because I figured at the least you'd log onto to Skype on the tablet or SK on a computer & message me to tell me what happened &..it's now past 7pm my time (4 yours) & I have heard literally nothing from you. I am really hoping you remember to check this place..so that you know I am worried, I am thinking of you & whatever happened is okay, we can work around it--I just need to know. I fucking miss you & I really hope whatever happened isn't serious...that you find a way to let me know what's up & how we can proceed...you have a tablet, you have a computer...you have ways to alert me & let me know things are okay without a phone if it got taken or whatever...not knowing is the worst for me. Like..I love you so much baby<3 I just want you to know I do, I am waiting, I am assuming something has happened out of your control & that's why you have disappeared on me..I have come a long way in my insecurities & I don't think you broke up with me or anything, like I do feel this is a case of something out of your control. Just know, I know that baby. Know that  I am here waiting for any sign from you that it's okay & what happened. I am here. I am not going anywhere. Just do your best to let me know what's going on & we will handle it together <3


In other news, I hope you had a good day at school! I miss you every day, I even miss you when you have to go after an 8 hour or so cam session hehe. I love you so much & I just wanted you to know again, even if I can't say it to your face right now, how much you mean to me. Kevvy, you're my everything. You are amazing & strong, precious snout<3 You are my forever & I hope you feel the same, I feel like you do. You do such an incredible job in making me feel so loved baby & I am so fucking lucky. You are so fucking smart baby, it was annoying the fight with Brandon but you were SO INTELLIGENT IN IT<3 You are amazing & you made your point & you stuck with it & unfff baby, it was amazing, YOU are amazing. I could write so much about you, fuck you hung the sun moon & stars to me weasel. You are just everything to me.

I hope you know this, despite whatever may happen, it's always you Kevvy, it always will be.


I love you. 04/4/15-forever<3

(I remember the date we picked <3)

I hope you read this baby, I hope you can get in touch with me somehow, I'll be waiting ,33

Poems For You

Dear baby,

I know I wrote you a letter already below this, BUT doing this helps me feel closer to you & gives you even more reasons to smile! I thought I would try my hand at poetry for you baby<3



Galaxy

I look at you & I see a world
A galaxy within
Stars align in your eyes
And I see the constellations
form

Anytime I've felt battered
 Beaten torn
You've never failed to
Part the skies & make
Me whole again

The stars died to create you
But inside I see them thrive
Everytime I look at you
I see a galaxy within

Everytime I see you;
I know the universe resides.



Muse

Oh darling
Look at you!

How your hair falls perfectly
Around your face
The words tumble from your
Lips
The faces that you make
Eveything about you

Every single little thing;
Is perfect in my eyes
From your hoodies
To your jeans
To the way your eyes spark up
& your voice still laughs

I look at you & a thousand words
Flow through my mind
Each & every time
I find myself writing stories
Poems & everything
In between

You are my muse darling.
You spark my own intrigue




I Love You

"I love you, I love you
I love you!!"

I'll scream this as I see you

I could say this a thousand times
In a sentence, on a dime,
Shout it from the rooftops
I could paint it on a sign
Hang it miles in the air
Or stick it under there

I could spell it in the clouds
I could whisper in your ear
Or buy a bunch of balloons
& release them ever more.

A thousand times to say it,
A million ways to show it

& that my baby,

is only in the first hour.



Okay, so I tried! I hope you enjoyed them love. I hope things are slowly but surely getting better for you schoolwise. I fucking miss you so so much...come back to me as soon as you can, I'll be here waiting baby<3 I hope you smiled lots reading them!!! <3



Love, Sweet Beak