Different

As I recuperate from a night that I don't quite remember, I nurse my bruises & cuts, as I pore over what I said in kik from last night to you & see all the things you said.


"You love differently." Not word for word but that was the jist of it. That time didn't seem real when I cammed with you, when I was with you. That I was perfectly content spending hours just hearing your voice, seeing your fucking face & watching it light up like when you got your tablet. The little things, the way your eyes had a deep light to them when I would tell you how wonderful you were etc.

That was more than enough for me & not enough for you. 

I love differently than most people. I'm not grey. I am black or I am white, I love passionately or not all. I go hard or I go the fuck home, I understand what I am is a dying breed or perhaps a new, rare breed so special there is only one of us. Me.

You don't think I didn't wonder what it would be like to be in your arms? That I didn't spend a few hours a day looking at plane tickets & thinking "Do I dare go back Cali? For him I would swim an ocean." I feel sad in a way that like a child, you want everything now no waiting. Instant, lustful, gimme now gratification & it blinds you as does it a child looking at a shiny new bike next to his old rusty one; the option of the new bike now or waiting a year or six months for the top of the line bike to hit the stores. Give him the option & like a true child it is imperative that the new bike in the window be his, the smooth, shiny handle bars under the palms of his hands. No waiting, his brain will not wander down six months or a year; he lives for the now. It is only when the top of the line bike hits the stores & all his friends are riding it, does the child start to slowly realize his mistake. His impulsive I need it now behavior has earned him the new bike at first, but the reality is now he is the one out in the cold.

I love differently, I love like I was never hit, never put down, never told this world didn't want me. Like I don't have severe abandonment issues or I've never been broken. Never lied to or abused. I love like I have no idea what it's like to curl up on the floor of my bedroom in the fetal position crying so hard no sound comes out, it's just gulping in air; like I am drowning. I love as innocently almost as a small child & the near naivety of one. Everyone has always been so quick when I am hesitant to point out "they are not like my ex" in an almost petulant 'how dare you think I am' manner when the truth is I know this. Fool. Why do you think I love you as if I have never known the pain of my heart shredded inside my chest? I don't allow my past abuse to always cloud my now; I was stronger than him & he has no power here.

I love differently, said to me it seems in awe & a hint of "I don't know how to handle that" & was that a speck of "it's too much" in there? Too much to deal with, too much to handle. I love unconditionally & without faults always too quick to forgive.  Perhaps it is the world who is not ready for someone like me.

It was not fair to say you were my home & my home is now gone simply because it made you feel bad, but it never took away the truth. I had built a home within your arms & laid a foundation of love once again & it crumbled around me. Whether you like it or not it's what happened.

Drink. Drink. Drink again. Everything is so loud inside me now. Asking why my love is never seemingly good enough. If I had a wish, I would wish it would be that you could have truly seen what you had & not been selfish & needing instant gratification. I forgive you because I know you're young & I know maybe someday you will look back, when you're with your new girlfriend who will do things or say things & you'll realize..I never would have done or said that you. One day, you'll wake up & be old enough to see all you took for granted & what you lost. It breaks my heart to know that but everyone's got their thing.

This world is no place for me, it never was.

I love you.