The Break Up

Dear Kevin,


Here is where it ends, where I tell you everything I could never tell you on kik or the phone or on cam because I can't bear to think of your pain or see it because I too, am a coward. Here is where I tell you the things of how I feel really feel. I don't think you'll even ever read this to be honest. That's okay. It's still here.

How could you look at the letters I wrote you, the laughs we shared, the smiles & the love on cam, how could you not feel my love for you? I am angry at you solely because this is something you knew. You knew long distance dating wasn't for you--come now, no need for falsehoods or lies or "I didn't knows" You knew. You fucking knew. It's why your other online shit didn't work out & see, I was led to believe it was other things like she was too young, she was crazy or this or that. You wanted what you wanted & for some reason at that moment you wanted me. You're right, I don't think now you know anything about love. You didn't rush into this, you carefully entered it because many times I told you you would leave me & many times you soothed me by saying if anything, I'd leave you. I find it incredibly hard to believe that on some level deep down you didn't know you were being a selfish dick & wanting something right then as a child would  You knew Kevvy you knew. You took advantage of a very broken person to satisfy what you wanted in the heat of a moment because you knew. How can you do this? How can you do this to me? What did I ever do to you? I have cried so hard I have a headache & later I will be so drunk I hope I die.

I'm so sorry if this harsh I am so sorry if this hurts you, but you knew Kevin. These past few weeks I tried so hard to make it work & it was always I love you baby & I can't express the feeling of waking up thinking you had giving me a long, loving text & reading what I did instead. This wasn't a game to me, I was willing to do everything to make this work, including giving you a tablet so you could cam easier & better with me. I was willing to wait for you to be eighteen, do you understand how long I would have waited for you? I was willing to get a plane ticket to go see you.

I dare you, dare you to find a girl who will put forth the effort I did. I think it is more about sex, you can't physically fuck me therefore suddenly distance is an issue. Good luck finding a girl into anal though aha. We're a rare species or so I am told. You'll never be happy Kevin, because what you're looking for, whatever that is, it doesn't exist. Don't get me wrong, I hope you someday are happy but you're running away & thinking too much into certain things & to be honest Kevin..The guy I was with online before you was your age when I met him & we nearly lasted two years ONLINE. We made it work because if you love someone, if you want it bad enough, you do whatever it takes, offline relationships are no easier. You got cheated on offline ffs. YOU are so amazing, you looked down on yourself ALL the time & not once did I let you, not once did I let a day or night go by without letting you know how amazing you are. I went out of my way distance be damned to ensure you felt loved, needed & wanted. I gave you everything & you took it all. I hope it was worth it. You're so selfish so I need it NOW that you're missing out, you're LOSING someone who would have done anything to see you smile, hear you laugh because they believed you to be fucking worth it.

Wake the fuck up Kevin Brennan. Wake up. If not for me, then for yourself. I have cried so hard I puked, I have asked myself what did I do wrong, I have sat here typing this to you the tears on my keyboard & you couldn't even call me. For that I just idk. I deserved to have you hear my pain. You say you're a man but a man would have done that & allowed the pain to wash over him. You run away & you hide. This is a storm you can't hide from Kevin. When love breaks it breaks hard & you'll feel it in your fucking soul for the rest of your life. I trusted you. You are my best friend & you promised you weren't like the other guys in my life.

But you turned out to be just like them, with false promises & lies tied with ribbons & I was stupid enough to fall for it.

I'm not gonna fall anymore. I hit rock fucking bottom. This isn't on you Kevin, you're young & have a lot to learn & there's so much else at play.


Please just remember.

They say you die twice. Once physically & again when someone says your name for the last time.

Always say my name, you know my story.

I love you.



Love, Lily.